Whacks On, Whacks Off

Tonight, I saw the Andy Sidaris film "Do or Die" for the first time. Jesus Christ. I'm no stranger to Andy Sidaris' work (if you can call filming Playmates having sex with Erik Estrada in every possible situation after fighting ninjas "work"), having seen about six of his films. But "Do or Die" goes places where films like "Savage Beach" were afraid to go. Namely, "Do or Die" (which was shot in Shreveport on Caddo Lake) almost completely does away with any sort of plotline whatsoever, and melts down into a complete orgy of massive guns, recycled helicopter explosion footage, Erik Estrada-fucking, poor marksmanship and eternally hard nipples. In the course of an hour and a half, it overpowered my id completely. My id felt dirty, weak, and exhausted. My id watched the credits roll, shrugged its shoulders, and said "I got nothin' left. That was pretty much all I ever wanted to see."

I'm going to try and narrow this list down to seven or eight items, but really, there are so many amazing, brain-melting reasons to see this movie. I will have clips up soon, I promise.

By the way, I got a box set containing three Sidaris films at Best Buy for $12. And sure, they're all the same movie, but they're all the same BRAIN-MELTING MOVIE.

TEN REASONS TO IMMEDIATELY SEE "DO OR DIE"

1. Pat Morita, also known as Mr. Miagi from "The Karate Kid," gets a hand-job in this movie. While romantic music plays. With a soft focus lens. THE FILMMAKERS THOUGHT THIS WAS SEXY.

2. There's a scene where ninjas climb up in some trees by Caddo Lake, in the dead of winter, to hide. Think about this. Trees. Caddo Lake. The dead of winter. There are, of course, no leaves in the trees. But still, our heroes don't see the ninjas. Maybe they couldn't see over their breasts.

3. The breasts, by the way, have completely taken on an almost satirical quality in this film. An actress named Pandora Peaks plays the part of a new secret agent who has eternally-hard nipples. Her 72-inch chest makes it hard to do secret agent things like run up hillsides, roll while shooting a Mack 10, etc. But she finds plenty of time to smoke Marlboro reds in the hottub.

4. Among other scenes that the filmmakers failed to realize were actually incredibly boring to watch is a prolonged scene involving remote control airplanes. Wedged in between a scene of Erik Estrada blowing up a dune buggy with a rocket launcher and Erik Estrada putting his "Little Rico" on some poor lady (he actually refers to his penis as "Little Rico" throughout the film, in a few moments that are daringly close to "acting"), there's this seven-minute interlude at a remote control airshow. Every Sidaris movie has one of these music video-like sections of people doing "exciting" things (riding dirtbikes over hills, riding in a racecar around a track going at least 40 MILES PER HOUR, etc.) but this sequence...is of very old men pushing joysticks around and staring up at the sky with their mouths open. It's like "Vernon, Florida" for a few sweet, sweet moments.

5. In a turn that will startle even the most jaded b-movie fan, the characters actually get one another's names mixed up several times throughout the film. The character played by Pandora Peaks is alternately referred to as "Atlanta" and "Atlantis."

6. My God, look at some of these peoples' IMDB pages:

7. Pandora Peaks.

8. Ava Cadell ("Lunch Box"?, "The Hound of the Baskervilles"?)

9. Bruce Penhall ("Camping del Terrore"?)

Seriously, run, don't walk. Better yet, roll down a hill while firing a Mack 10 at ill-concealed ninjas, land in front of your DVD player and get ready for the "Little Rico."